Keeping the ordinary....

Every time I have a day off, I feel like I have to plan something "special' for my kids. We have to have an outing, or make a treat, or do something unusual. It has to be a "special" day because mom's home. We have to celebrate this somehow.

I hate this....Not that there is anything wrong with making every day special, but it sometimes feels like I'm competing for their attention and affection. Like I have to "perform" for them to love me, to be their favorite. The babysitter or teacher or Dad do fun things with them, therefore I can't just sit there a make them fold laundry, right?

I realize this is not unique to working moms....I have divorced friends who have told me the same thing. On their weekend they feel like they can't stay home and clean the house, because then the kids won't want to be with them (or so they feel. )

But really, it's not what I want for my kids. I want them to have normal, routine, commonality. Chores, play with toys, take a nap, make dinner.....Normal......

Fear? Yeah, it's fear. I admit it. I am afraid they will like the babysitter more than me. I'm afraid that they will cheer on the mornings mom has to work. I'm afraid that my absence will make then need/want me less.

Fear sucks......

Focus:
1. more organized
2. less fear
3. keeping the normal

Eyes of The Scientist

So this week it started. As of yesterday I am employed full time. It was a long day. I don't know why; it was the same length of shift I've been working a few days a month. I think it was the emotional toll of knowing this was now different, even though it was the same, it was inherently different.

Monday, I finally told the kids. Yeah, I know. Perhaps more warning would have been a good idea, but I kept putting it off. Why? Fear.....I was afraid they wouldn't be upset. Seriously, I was afraid they would not be at all saddened by the announcement that "Mom will be around 35 hours less per week." In fact, I was worried they would be happy, giddy, downright joyful, cheer even. Especially considering it was followed with. "Dad will be working half days on Tuesday and Thursday and will pick you up from the babysitter/preschool/school."

Dad?

Yeas, Dad...That mythical creature who we only see from the pew at church? That guy you always tells us to make smile on Sunday because he's about to nod off and/or is looking a bit glum? Dad? I remember him. He makes homework easy, and never adds extra. He lets us eat in front of the TV and watch cartoons before bed.

Good riddance, Mom.....

Reality? They didn't say anything. For a long time......Nothing. Then The Scientist turned to me, with head down, and those big brown teddy bears eyes turned up, and said,

"Mom, I think I'll miss you."