Reality Hits---Like an anvel...

Brutus - Has a bunch of hearings and meetings scheduled over the next month....Every one is on the afternoon of a day I work; an afternoon he's supposed to be home with kids. EVERY ONE!

Scientist - Oh, what can I say. If only he was vocal, or clingy, or demanding. Alas, he appears to be at risk of becoming a sociopath. Defiance, disobedience, lying....they have all come out in the past couple of days.

Pretty Princess - "Mom, I just want to stay HOME today!" "Mom, you just have to be with ME today!" Princess = 1, Laundry/Grocery Shopping/Dishes = 0

Sweet Angel - Spent the night in our bed. It was the only way we could get her to sleep. She crawled over to me, snuggled in (she is a spoon-er!) and slept on my arm all night. This afternoon, I ended up having to put her in the sling to make dinner. She wouldn't let me put her down from 3-8pm. It took 2 hours to get her to bed. I ran outside once this morning to get something out of the car, and she flipped out! Made me cry...a couple of times.....

Feeling down, frustrated, questioning, guilty....

Here's to Thursday!

The Results Are In....

Week one and here's where we stand....

The Scientist --
-Slipped into bed with us Thursday night and snuggled close to me, very close -- I was alerted to his presence by my knees hitting the floor. He hasn't done this for almost 2 years.
- Asked every morning if it was a work morning or a home morning. Highlighted everything on a calendar for him.

Pretty Princess --
- Slipped into bed with us Thursday night and Friday night. Snuggled close to me. Jockeyed for space on Thursday with The Scientist. Alerted to this by the "OW-- Move!" cries in the middle of the night. BIG change. She ends up in our bed at least once a week, but NEVER by me, or even near me. She usually stays on the edge on the other side of her dad.

Sweet Angel --
- Still a Mommy's Girl (Thank you!!!)
- Fights going to sleep at night a bit. Wants to sit on my lap instead.
- Frequently comes over to me throughout the day, stands between my legs with left are wrapped FIRMLY around my leg, and right thumb in her mouth. Stays for 30 seconds or so, then smiles and moves on. I'm going to have to watch this. It has me a little worried.
- Got very excited when she saw the babysitters kids sit down in front of us at church. Talked (loudly)to the 2 year old most of Sacrament Meeting. (Mental Note: Do not sit near babysitter and family at church anymore.) Makes me feel good knowing she is friends with them.

Brutus --
- Enjoying a little extra time with the kiddos.
- NOT enjoying new homework responsibilities.
- Cooking again---I've missed his dinners. Usually yummy. Sometimes experimental.
- Keeping up with work, although that meant one late nights and a few hours Saturday morning. Need to work on this a bit.
- In a bunch of trouble for keeping me awake watching streaming Netflix episodes way to late.....5 nights in a row.....WAAAAY to late....

Me --
- Ended up having to go to a mandatory staff meeting Sunday night. Drat. Kids were NOT happy. Mommy was NOT happy.
- Tired!!! (See above...darn Brutus)
- Ditching the "To Do List" and playing Polly Pockets, Legos, and Dolls more frequently.


Pressing forward........

Did ya miss me?

I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately. Obsessing a bit perhaps.

Do I want my kids to miss me? How much?

I called Brutus this afternoon to see how the girls were. Pretty Princess painted sticks and used them to practice counting and didn't want to eat her lunch. Sweet Angel had fun playing with the babysitters sweet kids......and didn't want to leave.

What?

Apparently, Sweet Angel cried and threw a tantrum when Brutus tried to take her home.

Enter--Rational Mom
"Oh, how wonderful!. She's already settled in and enjoying being
at the babysitters. She is obviously having fun and being treated well.
Yeah!"

Oh, wait.. I forgot...I'm not Rational Mom. Therefore the conversation --in my head -- went more like this.....
"What? Why? Doesn't she remember me? Doesn't she remember
home? Does she love the babysitter more than me? Is she
distancing herself from me so soon? This is only day 2!"

I bought some mini-M&M's...And a chocolate milk...

Thus, the conflict. Naturally, I don't want my kids to be miserable when I'm at work. I want them to be happy. I want her to like the babysitter and her kids and have fun and play and laugh. I want Pretty Princess to enjoy preschool and focus on things there. I want them all to have fun and take advantage of the extra time they're having with their dad. Most kids don't have that. They won't have it forever. It's nice.

But, I fear being replaced by babysitters, teachers, coaches....even Brutus. I fear losing touch, being distanced, having our bond weakened. I'm petrified of Sweet Angel not being a mommy's girl. I've never had one of those...I LOVE it. I don't want to lose it.

I want to not have to think about this any more tonight.......

Eyes of The Scientist

So this week it started. As of yesterday I am employed full time. It was a long day. I don't know why; it was the same length of shift I've been working a few days a month. I think it was the emotional toll of knowing this was now different, even though it was the same, it was inherently different.

Monday, I finally told the kids. Yeah, I know. Perhaps more warning would have been a good idea, but I kept putting it off. Why? Fear.....I was afraid they wouldn't be upset. Seriously, I was afraid they would not be at all saddened by the announcement that "Mom will be around 35 hours less per week." In fact, I was worried they would be happy, giddy, downright joyful, cheer even. Especially considering it was followed with. "Dad will be working half days on Tuesday and Thursday and will pick you up from the babysitter/preschool/school."

Dad?

Yeas, Dad...That mythical creature who we only see from the pew at church? That guy you always tells us to make smile on Sunday because he's about to nod off and/or is looking a bit glum? Dad? I remember him. He makes homework easy, and never adds extra. He lets us eat in front of the TV and watch cartoons before bed.

Good riddance, Mom.....

Reality? They didn't say anything. For a long time......Nothing. Then The Scientist turned to me, with head down, and those big brown teddy bears eyes turned up, and said,

"Mom, I think I'll miss you."

Positivity!!!

I found someone to watch Sweet Angel (1 year old) while I'm working. It was great. The friend who is going to watch her said yes immediately and was so POSITIVE about it. Even more, when I explained to her that I was going back to work, she was excited for me. She was so supportive and had nothing but POSITIVE things to say.

I ran into another friend at church this week. While talking, I told her I was going back to work. She gave me and hug and told me how wonderful it was that I had this degree and job I could use. She was so POSITIVE.

While talking to another friend, making plans for playdates, I mentioned I was going back to work. POSITIVE again!!! She said she knew how much I love what I do and how great it was I had the job opportunity and shift options that I do.

Go back 7 years....I finished grad school, got a job, and 8 months later became a working mommy. Brutus was in grad school and couldn't work, so we chose for me to continue working to support our family. We lived in a ward full of similar families---hubby in school, young kids at home. But the vast majority chose to have mom stay home and lived on student loans. Nothing wrong with that, just not what we felt was best for us.

But, why couldn't they be POSITIVE, too? Or at least be quiet. "Don't you want to be with your kids?" "How can you stand the thought of someone else raising your child?" "I could NEVER be apart from my kids all day--I love them too much" (Umm...so I don't love mine? Is that what you're saying?) And my personal favorite "In my family, we believe in following ALL the teachings of the church, not just those that are convenient. " (I kid you not, someone actually said that to me...several times....)

What a difference a litte positive comment can make......

Missed it.....

So today, I had to work. I haven't started the full time gig yet, but was scheduled for my part time gig. Left with lots of kisses, lots of hugs, and a house full of people who were going to spend the day cleaning the house, working on science fair, and watching Phineas and Ferb.

Apparently cabin fever hit. In a big way....Jack-in-the Box came first, followed by a jaunt down to the local mall where Pretty Princess and The Scientist each got turns on the Bungee Bounce...Think harness attached to bungee cords over a trampoline. The kids have wanted to try it for months. We've seen them everywhere, with huge lines of cranky kids attached. Usually we come across them close to someone naptime or bedtime.

They were so excited...details flowed,...they could hardly talk. I wanted to be excited for them. I really did. But, instead, I was trying hard not to cry. (Seriously, how selfish is that. Bad, mom, bad.) I missed it. I wanted to see them and I missed it.

It suddenly hit home that that's not all I'll be missing soon. Lost teeth, owies, funny jokes, songs...I won't be here......Sweet Angel learning new words, how to blow kisses...someone else will probably witness it all. I've got probably a 50/50 chance.

It sucks. I've missed it before and it sucks.

Cast of Characters...

Me--33, Mom, Woman, PA, Major Type-A, Over-Achiever, Fear of Failure, Fear of Mediocrity, Fear of Ordinary, Fear of a lot actually...it's an issue...

Brutus--35, Husband, Stoic, NOT Type-A,

The Scientist -- almost 7, Energetic, Loving, Sensitive, Smart, Funny, Creative, Thoughtful

Pretty Princess -- almost 4, Girly, Feminine, Feisty, Stubborn, Patient, Sweet

Sweet Angel -- 1, Sweet, Patient, Loving, Funny, Smart, Fast

Those are the leads......lots of supportings. Isn't that always the case?

And so it begins.....

So here I am, Mom of 3, wife of 1. Full time job starts in 2 weeks. It's not like I haven't done this before. I earned my PHT degree (Putting Hubby Through) with kid 1 and kid 2, working full time, commuting, doing the single-mom-with-a-wedding-ring thing while hubby was in grad school. But Hallelujah, he graduated, 6 months later he got a job, we moved, and I quit. Well, sort of. Admittedly, I was offered a "casual" position and have been working 2-3 days a month, max.

But alas, the economy rolls on, or down as it seems. And here I am, going back to fulltime.

So why the blog? Spewage. Yes, spewage. A place I can sit and spew my frustrations, guilt, and attempts at balance in the mist of it all. If it's just for me. Great. I guarantee it will do me a lot of good. If others see it, I pray it helps them, too.