Keeping the ordinary....

Every time I have a day off, I feel like I have to plan something "special' for my kids. We have to have an outing, or make a treat, or do something unusual. It has to be a "special" day because mom's home. We have to celebrate this somehow.

I hate this....Not that there is anything wrong with making every day special, but it sometimes feels like I'm competing for their attention and affection. Like I have to "perform" for them to love me, to be their favorite. The babysitter or teacher or Dad do fun things with them, therefore I can't just sit there a make them fold laundry, right?

I realize this is not unique to working moms....I have divorced friends who have told me the same thing. On their weekend they feel like they can't stay home and clean the house, because then the kids won't want to be with them (or so they feel. )

But really, it's not what I want for my kids. I want them to have normal, routine, commonality. Chores, play with toys, take a nap, make dinner.....Normal......

Fear? Yeah, it's fear. I admit it. I am afraid they will like the babysitter more than me. I'm afraid that they will cheer on the mornings mom has to work. I'm afraid that my absence will make then need/want me less.

Fear sucks......

Focus:
1. more organized
2. less fear
3. keeping the normal

Give It If You've Got It....

THIS is how I know God knows me and loves me. He sent me, Mrs. Type A, high strung, bordering on OCD, a large quantity of serenity. My serenity come in the form of friends. I have ended up with these amazing, calm, serene, glowing friends. God knew I'd need settling.....

So a few weeks ago, I met one such friend for breakfast (toting a combined 4 of our 6 kiddos...). French bistro, French toast, French fruit, French Hot Cocoa.....Let the warm fuzzy feelings flow.

But warm and fuzzy I was not. Frazzled was more like it. It was the week before starting my full time job. Emotions were raw---the usual suspects present---doubt, guilt, anger, anticipation, fear...the whole gang was there......But then she said it....

"You know, this is your gift. Your family needs something right now and you can give it to them. Working right now if your gift to them. Not every mom can give that."

I don't work for bigger house, a boat, extravagant vacations, or jewels. I work to pay off bills that burden us. To help build some security and "cushion" for crisis. I work so my husband can build his career and eventually take over all of this need. I work because when we prayed about what to do, my Heavenly Father sent me this opportunity and the Spirit confirmed I should take it. This is truly my gift to my family.....one of many, I hope, but the one that was needed now.

This gift is for you......


Focus:
1. God-sent friends.
2. Viewing work as a gift to my family.
3. Good food.

Polishing.....

I've cried a lot lately. I think as working mothers (or mothers in any situation) leaving our kids is heart-wrenching. It's left me searching for reasons, explanations. Why did we feel so strongly that I should take this job right now? Why am I having to leave my kids to go care for others and work for others? Why can't I get out the door without feeling like my heart is breaking?

Then I found this old article from the Friend. It's bit of a bio of Henry B Eyring, but something in it grabbed me. Hard. And stuck.

President Kimball spoke at President Eyring's mother's funeral. She had apparently been ill leading up to her death and regarding this, President Kimball said, "God loved her, and He was polishing her."

So simple and so true. I'm very rough. I don't shine. I don't sparkle. But, lately every time I leave my kids, my appreciation for them and my role as their mother sparkles more. When I have a bad day and am alone in car leaving work, my reliance of my Heavenly Father shimmers more. When I have that lonely lunch hour to myself and my thoughts drift to scriptures and true priorities, my appreciation for his Great Plan gleams more. When I rush around in the evening packing lunch bags, diaper bags, work bags, school bags, sports bags, and filling crock pot bags, then collapse into bed too hyped up to sleep (therefore I have eye-bags) I am forced to pray more, ask for Divine help more, and my reliance on Him twinkles more.

So, I accept that I am a working mother right now being polished.

Because He wants me to shine.

Bacteria Battles and Nice Nana's...

"Mom, my throat hurts~" he cried in THAT voice (you know that voice) with THAT look in the eyes (you know that one, too).

"Ugh," I think, silently, to myself.

"Open wide," I say.

"Drat," I say, out loud.

Of course, it's today. Valentine's party at school, Brutus running out the door for an early, can't be missed meeting, me on my own getting The Crew dressed, fed, and dropped off.

The Scientist begins to cry. He HATES to miss school, even on non-party days. I resist the urge to cry (Points for Mom) and go into highly-efficient-lets-figure-it-out mode. 15 minutes later we're all out the door, heading to a walk-in clinic. (Thank you positive test! Thank you Amoxicillin!)

What to do with contagious boy?!?!

Panic? No. Hostile frustration? Not I. Not now. (Maybe later.)

I call Nana...

This is really the first time in over a decade of marital bliss that we've lived near family. And right now, I'm ecstatic about that fact. Nana's breathless (exercise bike?) but happy to have a potentially contagious boy and his sisters come play until mommy can figure things out at work. The Crew is happy. Mommy's relieved.

Nice Nana's Rock!!!

Go To Bed...(Subtitle -- Why I'm awake at this hour hunting for a picture of The Scientist for his school project.....

"Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life."

— Anonymous

Amen, Anonymous, Amen......

Only Full-Time Need Apply.....

"I couldn't stand the thought of being a part-time mom to my kids...."

Seriously....that's what she said. No, I didn't rip her head off....but I wanted to. I didn't comment on the audacity and impossibility of her statement...but I wanted to.

Actually, it made me think of my helpers....Those wonderful people who are there when I can't be. Who don't think twice about wiping my kids noses or booties. Who give treats, hugs, and reassurance...to the kids and mom.

I have been amazingly blessed in this department. My first babysitter with The Scientist volunteered for the job. The second, too. Then on to preschool...I loved those teachers.....

Pretty Princess's first sitter I didn't know well, but was told by the Spirit to call her. (Yelled at my the Spirit, actually) Later I found out that they were struggling to make ends meet and what I offered to pay her was just the amount. She was awesome. It's not everyone who will roll out of bed, pregnant and nauseous to let someone else's toddler wander in at 7:00am.

Don't even get me started on the back-up list. Those people you can call when your regular arrangements are a no-go. I have been blessed with friends who would answer their phone at 6:30am and happily tell me to drop off my little one at 7:00am. I once had an work emergency come up in the evening and Brutus was stuck at school. I ended up taking The Scientist and a couple of jars of baby food (I picked up on the way, since we hadn't even been home yet) to a friends house--she then fed him and took care of him until way in the evening.

Now I am blessed with a neighbor who looks forward to Fridays with the girls, a great friend who sends me notes about Sweet Angel's day, and an amazing 16 year old who loves to spend a few days a week during the summer taking care of 3 energetic kids. (No kidding..this girl actually calls me and volunteers to watch my kids.....)

Do any of them replace me? No, they never could. At one point I feared that. But I've learned that it's not possible. No matter where I am, I'm the mommy....Full-Time Mommy

Repurposing.....

So...I haven't posted for a while. Really, I've been thinking about this blog a lot. When I started it, I just wanted a place to put my thoughts on this whole thing. As I've gone through the last couple of weeks, I've found myself searching for something to give me a lift. I've searched for articles, blogs, books, anything for the working LDS mom. Not a lot out there. Sad. There are so many of us.

So...while I'm sure the ranting and venting will take place, I am going to make an effort to turn this into something more positive. Great experiences. Supportive comments. Scriptures. Articles. Talks. Anything I can find. Maybe there is another working LDS mommy out there that needs this too.


So...here goes tonight's find.

"As mothers, perhaps our most important responsibility toward our children is to love them, to teach them, and to nurture their spiritual and emotional growth. Fortunately, we do not usually bear that responsibility alone, for the Lord gave that privilege to men and women alike. (See D&C 68:25, 28; Moses 5:12.) This, then, is a first priority.

The temporal welfare of the family is another responsibility that men and women share. From the beginning, women have worked to help support their families. After Adam and Eve were driven out of the Garden of Eden, “Adam began to till the earth, and to have dominion over all the beasts of the field, and to eat his bread by the sweat of his brow, as … the Lord had commanded him. And Eve, also, his wife, did labor with him.” (Moses 5:1; italics added.)"

Jan Underwood Pinborough, “Working Double-Time: The Working Mother’s Dilemma,” Ensign, Mar 1986, 22

I'd never really thought of this before. For thousands of years mothers have worked beside fathers to provide temporally for their children. It's just been relatively recently that the choice to share this role involved the possibility of leaving home for work.

So...Could I stay home and work? I could probably find something. A home-business, teaching music, there would be a couple of options. But, I felt very strongly about seeking the education I did. I prayed about it--a lot. At various times since finishing graduate school I have had those "TaDa!" moments. My education has allowed be to contribute to providing for my family, in ways that would NEVER have been possible otherwise. I'm not talking luxury here; I'm talking the basics.

Are you a mom like that?

Give yourself a high five (or some M & M's)for getting that education...

Do you know a mom like that?

Give her a hug (or some M & M's) and tell her she's awesome.

You can read the whole article here. Give yourself a hug tonight. You're fabulous.

Reality Hits---Like an anvel...

Brutus - Has a bunch of hearings and meetings scheduled over the next month....Every one is on the afternoon of a day I work; an afternoon he's supposed to be home with kids. EVERY ONE!

Scientist - Oh, what can I say. If only he was vocal, or clingy, or demanding. Alas, he appears to be at risk of becoming a sociopath. Defiance, disobedience, lying....they have all come out in the past couple of days.

Pretty Princess - "Mom, I just want to stay HOME today!" "Mom, you just have to be with ME today!" Princess = 1, Laundry/Grocery Shopping/Dishes = 0

Sweet Angel - Spent the night in our bed. It was the only way we could get her to sleep. She crawled over to me, snuggled in (she is a spoon-er!) and slept on my arm all night. This afternoon, I ended up having to put her in the sling to make dinner. She wouldn't let me put her down from 3-8pm. It took 2 hours to get her to bed. I ran outside once this morning to get something out of the car, and she flipped out! Made me cry...a couple of times.....

Feeling down, frustrated, questioning, guilty....

Here's to Thursday!

The Results Are In....

Week one and here's where we stand....

The Scientist --
-Slipped into bed with us Thursday night and snuggled close to me, very close -- I was alerted to his presence by my knees hitting the floor. He hasn't done this for almost 2 years.
- Asked every morning if it was a work morning or a home morning. Highlighted everything on a calendar for him.

Pretty Princess --
- Slipped into bed with us Thursday night and Friday night. Snuggled close to me. Jockeyed for space on Thursday with The Scientist. Alerted to this by the "OW-- Move!" cries in the middle of the night. BIG change. She ends up in our bed at least once a week, but NEVER by me, or even near me. She usually stays on the edge on the other side of her dad.

Sweet Angel --
- Still a Mommy's Girl (Thank you!!!)
- Fights going to sleep at night a bit. Wants to sit on my lap instead.
- Frequently comes over to me throughout the day, stands between my legs with left are wrapped FIRMLY around my leg, and right thumb in her mouth. Stays for 30 seconds or so, then smiles and moves on. I'm going to have to watch this. It has me a little worried.
- Got very excited when she saw the babysitters kids sit down in front of us at church. Talked (loudly)to the 2 year old most of Sacrament Meeting. (Mental Note: Do not sit near babysitter and family at church anymore.) Makes me feel good knowing she is friends with them.

Brutus --
- Enjoying a little extra time with the kiddos.
- NOT enjoying new homework responsibilities.
- Cooking again---I've missed his dinners. Usually yummy. Sometimes experimental.
- Keeping up with work, although that meant one late nights and a few hours Saturday morning. Need to work on this a bit.
- In a bunch of trouble for keeping me awake watching streaming Netflix episodes way to late.....5 nights in a row.....WAAAAY to late....

Me --
- Ended up having to go to a mandatory staff meeting Sunday night. Drat. Kids were NOT happy. Mommy was NOT happy.
- Tired!!! (See above...darn Brutus)
- Ditching the "To Do List" and playing Polly Pockets, Legos, and Dolls more frequently.


Pressing forward........

Did ya miss me?

I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately. Obsessing a bit perhaps.

Do I want my kids to miss me? How much?

I called Brutus this afternoon to see how the girls were. Pretty Princess painted sticks and used them to practice counting and didn't want to eat her lunch. Sweet Angel had fun playing with the babysitters sweet kids......and didn't want to leave.

What?

Apparently, Sweet Angel cried and threw a tantrum when Brutus tried to take her home.

Enter--Rational Mom
"Oh, how wonderful!. She's already settled in and enjoying being
at the babysitters. She is obviously having fun and being treated well.
Yeah!"

Oh, wait.. I forgot...I'm not Rational Mom. Therefore the conversation --in my head -- went more like this.....
"What? Why? Doesn't she remember me? Doesn't she remember
home? Does she love the babysitter more than me? Is she
distancing herself from me so soon? This is only day 2!"

I bought some mini-M&M's...And a chocolate milk...

Thus, the conflict. Naturally, I don't want my kids to be miserable when I'm at work. I want them to be happy. I want her to like the babysitter and her kids and have fun and play and laugh. I want Pretty Princess to enjoy preschool and focus on things there. I want them all to have fun and take advantage of the extra time they're having with their dad. Most kids don't have that. They won't have it forever. It's nice.

But, I fear being replaced by babysitters, teachers, coaches....even Brutus. I fear losing touch, being distanced, having our bond weakened. I'm petrified of Sweet Angel not being a mommy's girl. I've never had one of those...I LOVE it. I don't want to lose it.

I want to not have to think about this any more tonight.......

Eyes of The Scientist

So this week it started. As of yesterday I am employed full time. It was a long day. I don't know why; it was the same length of shift I've been working a few days a month. I think it was the emotional toll of knowing this was now different, even though it was the same, it was inherently different.

Monday, I finally told the kids. Yeah, I know. Perhaps more warning would have been a good idea, but I kept putting it off. Why? Fear.....I was afraid they wouldn't be upset. Seriously, I was afraid they would not be at all saddened by the announcement that "Mom will be around 35 hours less per week." In fact, I was worried they would be happy, giddy, downright joyful, cheer even. Especially considering it was followed with. "Dad will be working half days on Tuesday and Thursday and will pick you up from the babysitter/preschool/school."

Dad?

Yeas, Dad...That mythical creature who we only see from the pew at church? That guy you always tells us to make smile on Sunday because he's about to nod off and/or is looking a bit glum? Dad? I remember him. He makes homework easy, and never adds extra. He lets us eat in front of the TV and watch cartoons before bed.

Good riddance, Mom.....

Reality? They didn't say anything. For a long time......Nothing. Then The Scientist turned to me, with head down, and those big brown teddy bears eyes turned up, and said,

"Mom, I think I'll miss you."

Positivity!!!

I found someone to watch Sweet Angel (1 year old) while I'm working. It was great. The friend who is going to watch her said yes immediately and was so POSITIVE about it. Even more, when I explained to her that I was going back to work, she was excited for me. She was so supportive and had nothing but POSITIVE things to say.

I ran into another friend at church this week. While talking, I told her I was going back to work. She gave me and hug and told me how wonderful it was that I had this degree and job I could use. She was so POSITIVE.

While talking to another friend, making plans for playdates, I mentioned I was going back to work. POSITIVE again!!! She said she knew how much I love what I do and how great it was I had the job opportunity and shift options that I do.

Go back 7 years....I finished grad school, got a job, and 8 months later became a working mommy. Brutus was in grad school and couldn't work, so we chose for me to continue working to support our family. We lived in a ward full of similar families---hubby in school, young kids at home. But the vast majority chose to have mom stay home and lived on student loans. Nothing wrong with that, just not what we felt was best for us.

But, why couldn't they be POSITIVE, too? Or at least be quiet. "Don't you want to be with your kids?" "How can you stand the thought of someone else raising your child?" "I could NEVER be apart from my kids all day--I love them too much" (Umm...so I don't love mine? Is that what you're saying?) And my personal favorite "In my family, we believe in following ALL the teachings of the church, not just those that are convenient. " (I kid you not, someone actually said that to me...several times....)

What a difference a litte positive comment can make......

Missed it.....

So today, I had to work. I haven't started the full time gig yet, but was scheduled for my part time gig. Left with lots of kisses, lots of hugs, and a house full of people who were going to spend the day cleaning the house, working on science fair, and watching Phineas and Ferb.

Apparently cabin fever hit. In a big way....Jack-in-the Box came first, followed by a jaunt down to the local mall where Pretty Princess and The Scientist each got turns on the Bungee Bounce...Think harness attached to bungee cords over a trampoline. The kids have wanted to try it for months. We've seen them everywhere, with huge lines of cranky kids attached. Usually we come across them close to someone naptime or bedtime.

They were so excited...details flowed,...they could hardly talk. I wanted to be excited for them. I really did. But, instead, I was trying hard not to cry. (Seriously, how selfish is that. Bad, mom, bad.) I missed it. I wanted to see them and I missed it.

It suddenly hit home that that's not all I'll be missing soon. Lost teeth, owies, funny jokes, songs...I won't be here......Sweet Angel learning new words, how to blow kisses...someone else will probably witness it all. I've got probably a 50/50 chance.

It sucks. I've missed it before and it sucks.

Cast of Characters...

Me--33, Mom, Woman, PA, Major Type-A, Over-Achiever, Fear of Failure, Fear of Mediocrity, Fear of Ordinary, Fear of a lot actually...it's an issue...

Brutus--35, Husband, Stoic, NOT Type-A,

The Scientist -- almost 7, Energetic, Loving, Sensitive, Smart, Funny, Creative, Thoughtful

Pretty Princess -- almost 4, Girly, Feminine, Feisty, Stubborn, Patient, Sweet

Sweet Angel -- 1, Sweet, Patient, Loving, Funny, Smart, Fast

Those are the leads......lots of supportings. Isn't that always the case?

And so it begins.....

So here I am, Mom of 3, wife of 1. Full time job starts in 2 weeks. It's not like I haven't done this before. I earned my PHT degree (Putting Hubby Through) with kid 1 and kid 2, working full time, commuting, doing the single-mom-with-a-wedding-ring thing while hubby was in grad school. But Hallelujah, he graduated, 6 months later he got a job, we moved, and I quit. Well, sort of. Admittedly, I was offered a "casual" position and have been working 2-3 days a month, max.

But alas, the economy rolls on, or down as it seems. And here I am, going back to fulltime.

So why the blog? Spewage. Yes, spewage. A place I can sit and spew my frustrations, guilt, and attempts at balance in the mist of it all. If it's just for me. Great. I guarantee it will do me a lot of good. If others see it, I pray it helps them, too.